“Seal Team,” a cartoon from Greig Cameron and Kane Croudace, is an ’80s surf shirt come to life, a neon assault of screeching metal guitars and bellowing inanity. Radical, dudes — make that pups — since the leads are hotheaded seals who form a squadron to defend their colony from a shiver of sharks. Sounds fictitious, but National Geographic once documented such a counterattack off the coast of South Africa, albeit without any shouts of “Kiss my tail fin!”
The animals’ reluctant commander is a military-trained pinniped named Claggart (J.K. Simmons), who was traumatized when his mine recovery mission went awry. (He bit the wrong wire because he’s — gasp! — colorblind.) For what it’s worth, the United States Navy Marine Mammal Program prefers sea lions to seals, but this kiddie flick probably wouldn’t have been greenlit without the pun in the title, even though a seal’s physicality is inexpressive and unimpressive. The characters are distinguishable only by girth and pompadour, and, during a “Rocky”-esque training montage, the seals master push-ups but struggle to give a thumbs-up.
The animation is chintzy; the jokes are knowingly worse. Cameron, who also wrote the screenplay, delights in dumb humor, say, when a seal named Beth (Kristen Schaal) refers to their plan as “a little certain-death-y.” A few visual gags earn a snort that’s nearly a laugh: seals popping open sardine cans like beers, a weaponized pistol shrimp, an inventive camouflage suit made of dozens of color-changing octopi. However, the best cackle comes from reading the voice cameos in the end credits. Not only did Dolph Lundgren agree to play a macho dolphin, but the seal warbling a cover of “Crazy” is, in fact, the pop singer Seal.